Hardest day...

Today has definitely been my hardest so far. This morning I was back at Monkey Bay orphanage and happily awaiting the arrival of the children when Wyson mentioned that Grace had been taken to hospital with malaria. He was so blase about it I thought he was just messing around but he did pop over to her house and came back saying she was feeling better and may be back at school tomorrow. I am going there again tomorrow for sports day with Anna so if she doesn't show I will go round and see her aunt and see if she really is ok.

Yesterday I was back at Chilombo orphanage and I noticed a toddler called Kevin sitting very quietly and looking very sad. I'm sure he has been there the other times I've taught there but I've not paid him any attention before because some of the smaller ones are genuinely a bit scared of us. I couldn't help but notice that there was a different degree of sadness to this one so I sat close to him and held his hand for a while. Gradually his grip got tighter and tighter and very slowly he started leaning into me and was eventually just draped across my lap. He didn't make any noise at all and I don't think he ever has done apart from to cry. His eyes are permanently fixed on the ground...

I asked the teacher, Esnart why he was so sad and she said because he had no parents and lived with an old man, she also said he is sick - his belly is very swollen so clearly very malnourished. All the children are malnourished, some more than others but this one looks particularly bad and the other bad cases are certainly not as subdued. He looks completely traumatised and I suppose if he has lost both his parents he may well be. Over here, living with an old man is not good for young children, he is clearly desperately starved of affection and it was heartbreaking when I had to leave, he was hysterical, tried to follow me and it took two people to pull him away from me.

So today I was back with Esnart giving her my usual Tuesday afternoon English lesson and I tend to try and have just a general conversation with her at first because it gives me a better idea of how her spoken English is. I asked about Kevin and she told me a bit about him but said that his mum had died, his dad was away or had been arrested and that he actually had malaria as well. Two in one day.

She then took me to his house. She checked the old man was not there first and I'm not entirely sure why which worries me because I am overcome with a need to go back and find out more about this little boy. There were young adults milling around the house and I think, but am not sure, that the girls look after Kevin during the day while the old man is out farming. More and more people came to have a nose at the visiting Mazungu and they were all laughing because it is well known that Kevin is very sad, they said he has NEVER smiled...

Inevitably I had to leave and he cried and cried and cried, no one even picked him up when I left - this isn't really a comforting culture and the older kids, even the five year olds are unbelievably tough.

I told Felicity, one of the coordinators here about him and she is hopefully going to get me back there to find out more about him. I asked if he'd ever been to hospital or had medicine and I got a lot of head shaking in return. So I hope to see him at least twice before I come back home and see what can be done, his situation needs drastic improvement but sadly, so does the situation of most people here...I literally cannot describe how sad he looks, normally we can coax a smile out of the young ones who are just scared but this one - nothing, I wish I'd realised he wasn't just scared and actually very sick sooner so I could have done something. I feel awful even when I do see him because I just add to the trauma he seems to be going through when it is time to leave. I did not think it physically possible for a child to look so sad...

Tomorrow I will check up on Grace and in the afternoon try and get cover for the wound clinic so I can head back to Chilombo, ideally with a translator in tow so something can be done for Kevin. My heart will actually break when I leave him.

One week left in Malawi.

Tionana.....