So much has changed in my life since I returned from Malawi. I came back with the confidence to find a new job and make steps towards a new future. I am now studying Childhood Studies in Leeds, living alone and seeing my family and friends at home when I can.
I have spent many hours looking back at what I had to say when I was in Malawi and wishing I had said more but circumstances did not really allow for this. My hand written journal and my photos will stay with me forever. I hope I can return one day, in the not so distant future. I know I chose my degree largely because of the children I met in Malawi and a need to get back to them some day. I guess they changed my life, more than I will ever change theirs.
x
Sunday 13 March 2011
Tuesday 3 November 2009
End.
I thought it would be really easy to write this last piece but having spent a few weeks adjusting to the old routine of work and home I am still struggling to come to a conclusion about my time in Malawi. The most frustrating thing for me, looking back at the few entries I did get to write during my time away, is the sheer volume of things omitted and the brevity of things I did mention, simply because I was always in such a rush.
I barely scratched the surface of the problems in Malawi. Volunteers will come and go every month and project coordinators will struggle to give the people of Malawi some kind of continuity. Nothing I did there was life changing for the people, the problems remain the same and someone else will have taken my place yesterday evening as the new arrivals settle into Namakoma. I may have brought some happiness to a few children for a few hours and cleaned up a few wounds but the extent of the problems is just never-ending.
If I could do it again, I’d go for longer, I’d spend less time thinking about home and I would be more forceful when I thought there was more I/we could do. I wouldn't have just said there was a problem with a boy in Chilombo who never smiled, I would have taken someone from the project to his door, someone who could translate. I wouldn't have left confused about his situation, who he lived with, what family he did have, what happened to the family he didn't have – I would have made sure I found out and fully understood. I would have taken one of the qualified volunteers to check him over and only then left knowing I had done everything within my power to help him.
I can forgive myself a little, knowing it was my first time doing anything like this. I was nervous and in the very beginning I was out of my depth, I didn't know how to push what I could have done to help. It is so easy to say this now, with hindsight. But at least now I know when, not if, I go back, I will make better and quicker decisions and I will be of more help to the Calvin’s and Grace’s of Malawi.
I barely scratched the surface of the problems in Malawi. Volunteers will come and go every month and project coordinators will struggle to give the people of Malawi some kind of continuity. Nothing I did there was life changing for the people, the problems remain the same and someone else will have taken my place yesterday evening as the new arrivals settle into Namakoma. I may have brought some happiness to a few children for a few hours and cleaned up a few wounds but the extent of the problems is just never-ending.
If I could do it again, I’d go for longer, I’d spend less time thinking about home and I would be more forceful when I thought there was more I/we could do. I wouldn't have just said there was a problem with a boy in Chilombo who never smiled, I would have taken someone from the project to his door, someone who could translate. I wouldn't have left confused about his situation, who he lived with, what family he did have, what happened to the family he didn't have – I would have made sure I found out and fully understood. I would have taken one of the qualified volunteers to check him over and only then left knowing I had done everything within my power to help him.
I can forgive myself a little, knowing it was my first time doing anything like this. I was nervous and in the very beginning I was out of my depth, I didn't know how to push what I could have done to help. It is so easy to say this now, with hindsight. But at least now I know when, not if, I go back, I will make better and quicker decisions and I will be of more help to the Calvin’s and Grace’s of Malawi.
Tuesday 6 October 2009
Final days...
So my final night in Malawi is upon us and it has been a really lovely if not painfully hot couple of days. We had four new arrivals yesterday and said our goodbyes to Anna and Josh.
Yesterday I was at Chilombo orphanage on my own as Gill caught the virus I have been harbouring, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Esnart spent most of the morning dissapearing so the teaching was a bit hit and miss and the kids ran riot as always. We carried on with learning the time and the usual songs and rhymes that they know. We have adapted ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ to ‘The Wheels on the Matola’ and they seem to enjoy that, they join in when they can and mostly just like anything with actions. In the afternoon I was at the wound clinic which was a bit of a non-event, no patients, sweltering heat but I did get to say my goodbyes to Dr Mkanda and had a photo with him which is brilliant.
Today I was at Chilombo again and me and Therese threw a very good party if I might say so. It was her idea to make each of them friendship bracelet out of the wool we had kicking about in the resources room. We made maybe just fewer than 50 and luckily we had maybe 45 children turn up so we estimated just right. We took crisps and biscuits for party food and they absolutely loved that. It must have been a real treat for them after their porridge.
John took me to Kevin’s house who in actual fact is called Calvin....! I only found out when I asked Esnart to write down his address for him, which is pretty silly, now everyone at MVO and everyone at home knows this little boy as Kevin! So, CALVIN was off sick again today so I went to his house and was introduced to his grandmother which is even more confusing as I was told he lived alone with an old man. Felicity said this is a common occurrence to get a few different stories because they call different people and relatives different things. Anyhow it still doesn't make his situation ideal and I may never know exactly what his situation is...but I gave him his toy truck and his grandmother told him I was going back to England which he seemed very sad about. He barely uttered a word even today after meeting with him so many times, I wonder if he ever actually speaks. He followed me and John back to orphanage and the other kids were very interested in his new toy especially Esnart’s son, Vinnie is the queen bee if ever I saw one, he was most unimpressed this new toy did not belong to him.
Eventually it was time to say goodbye and I did head back there in the afternoon to say a final goodbye after Esnart’s english lesson but everyone in the village had been called to a meeting with the chief, something about fertiliser I don’t know, so the lesson was also a non-starter. I trudged off back up to the road and it really was the hottest I've ever felt it today. On the way I bumped into Esnart’s 17 year old nephew, Andrew and he took me on a tour of Chilombo, he walked me along the beach and there are some incredible looking holiday homes hidden along there, it was pretty surreal.
Andrew is very sweet, he is very smart and has a lot going for him but as the story always seems to go, the odds are stacked against him. He has lost both of his parents but seems to have a large extended family in the village. I met his great grandmother but when I asked her name, Andrew explained he did not know because he had always called her grandma! He is very creative and makes brilliant things out of bottle lids. He turned up today with a bag he has made for me out of a pair of jeans and it is amazing. I will treasure it forever, it is a real work of art considering his lack of resources. He also showed me a photo book a previous volunteer must have had made and sent to him. He had taken all the photos and some of them were stunning I was so impressed.
So this evening I am having a drink, listening to a meeting about dressing wounds and everything is packed and ready to go. Tomorrow I will leave MVO house at 5:30 am and head to Blantyre with Francis. He is taking me to a place called Game where I can buy some toys for Chilombo with my donations. I have also committed myself to providing the much needed shelter for them during the rainy season. As I've probably mentioned before this orphanage is just held in Esnart’s back garden with no shelter and very little shade. The shelter will be up by November in time for the rains and will give Esnart a real place to teach and will be a real boost for the community.
I will take away so much from this place. Knowing that my donations actually physically provided something urgently needed is a fantastic way to finish here.
So here is to the end.
I will remember my first day at Monkey Bay orphanage with Wyson. My first night watching The Lion King and drinking Special Brew and wondering if I would ever find myself in a more surreal situation than this again. I will remember when I realised the answer to that question was hell yes when I found myself watching the villagers of Mtakaka head banging to house music. I will remember the dehydrated babies and their empty drips...the hoards of pregnant women and young girls. I will remember 24 hours of vomiting and nearly being eaten by a hippo. I will remember Gibson’s laugh and just Joseph, just for being Joseph. I will remember the bicycles of death with no peddles or seats. I will remember the first time I went to Namakoma and how the singing was so good I had to hold back tears. I will remember the confusion with Esnart over who was teaching who on my first day. I will remember rounds and fantas and greens and nsima and BBQ goat and shake shake and eating chips from a carrier bag for fifty kwacha. I will remember frisbee in the lake and baking hot walks to wound clinic. I will remember Dr Mkandas laugh and the stories of the premature babies and the children he had lost...I will remember Mazungu Mazunge Jambule Jambule! I will remember drinking Eclipse from a plastic bottle and the hangover that followed. I will remember elephants and hippos and the lone buffalo at Liwonde. I will remember our Hansel and Gretel lodgings on safari and I will remember Benji and Simba, the house dogs and their reactions to the mating ducks. I will remember David arriving with his brilliant laugh and somehow remembering how to play chess after all these years. I will remember pink and blue jobs and sunset cruises. The children I will remember, all those faces but especially Grace, Buddha, Chisomo and Ibu the big boss at Monkey Bay. Irene and Edwin at Namakoma and all my favourites at Chilombo, my second home: Gertrude, the twins, Tait and Bertha, Eunice and her amazing smile, Fanny and Esther – girls with attitude, Vinnie, the other big boss and of course Kevin/Calvin/whatever his name is!
Most of all I will remember that little face and the fact there there are so so so many Calvins in Malawi...
Yesterday I was at Chilombo orphanage on my own as Gill caught the virus I have been harbouring, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Esnart spent most of the morning dissapearing so the teaching was a bit hit and miss and the kids ran riot as always. We carried on with learning the time and the usual songs and rhymes that they know. We have adapted ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ to ‘The Wheels on the Matola’ and they seem to enjoy that, they join in when they can and mostly just like anything with actions. In the afternoon I was at the wound clinic which was a bit of a non-event, no patients, sweltering heat but I did get to say my goodbyes to Dr Mkanda and had a photo with him which is brilliant.
Today I was at Chilombo again and me and Therese threw a very good party if I might say so. It was her idea to make each of them friendship bracelet out of the wool we had kicking about in the resources room. We made maybe just fewer than 50 and luckily we had maybe 45 children turn up so we estimated just right. We took crisps and biscuits for party food and they absolutely loved that. It must have been a real treat for them after their porridge.
John took me to Kevin’s house who in actual fact is called Calvin....! I only found out when I asked Esnart to write down his address for him, which is pretty silly, now everyone at MVO and everyone at home knows this little boy as Kevin! So, CALVIN was off sick again today so I went to his house and was introduced to his grandmother which is even more confusing as I was told he lived alone with an old man. Felicity said this is a common occurrence to get a few different stories because they call different people and relatives different things. Anyhow it still doesn't make his situation ideal and I may never know exactly what his situation is...but I gave him his toy truck and his grandmother told him I was going back to England which he seemed very sad about. He barely uttered a word even today after meeting with him so many times, I wonder if he ever actually speaks. He followed me and John back to orphanage and the other kids were very interested in his new toy especially Esnart’s son, Vinnie is the queen bee if ever I saw one, he was most unimpressed this new toy did not belong to him.
Eventually it was time to say goodbye and I did head back there in the afternoon to say a final goodbye after Esnart’s english lesson but everyone in the village had been called to a meeting with the chief, something about fertiliser I don’t know, so the lesson was also a non-starter. I trudged off back up to the road and it really was the hottest I've ever felt it today. On the way I bumped into Esnart’s 17 year old nephew, Andrew and he took me on a tour of Chilombo, he walked me along the beach and there are some incredible looking holiday homes hidden along there, it was pretty surreal.
Andrew is very sweet, he is very smart and has a lot going for him but as the story always seems to go, the odds are stacked against him. He has lost both of his parents but seems to have a large extended family in the village. I met his great grandmother but when I asked her name, Andrew explained he did not know because he had always called her grandma! He is very creative and makes brilliant things out of bottle lids. He turned up today with a bag he has made for me out of a pair of jeans and it is amazing. I will treasure it forever, it is a real work of art considering his lack of resources. He also showed me a photo book a previous volunteer must have had made and sent to him. He had taken all the photos and some of them were stunning I was so impressed.
So this evening I am having a drink, listening to a meeting about dressing wounds and everything is packed and ready to go. Tomorrow I will leave MVO house at 5:30 am and head to Blantyre with Francis. He is taking me to a place called Game where I can buy some toys for Chilombo with my donations. I have also committed myself to providing the much needed shelter for them during the rainy season. As I've probably mentioned before this orphanage is just held in Esnart’s back garden with no shelter and very little shade. The shelter will be up by November in time for the rains and will give Esnart a real place to teach and will be a real boost for the community.
I will take away so much from this place. Knowing that my donations actually physically provided something urgently needed is a fantastic way to finish here.
So here is to the end.
I will remember my first day at Monkey Bay orphanage with Wyson. My first night watching The Lion King and drinking Special Brew and wondering if I would ever find myself in a more surreal situation than this again. I will remember when I realised the answer to that question was hell yes when I found myself watching the villagers of Mtakaka head banging to house music. I will remember the dehydrated babies and their empty drips...the hoards of pregnant women and young girls. I will remember 24 hours of vomiting and nearly being eaten by a hippo. I will remember Gibson’s laugh and just Joseph, just for being Joseph. I will remember the bicycles of death with no peddles or seats. I will remember the first time I went to Namakoma and how the singing was so good I had to hold back tears. I will remember the confusion with Esnart over who was teaching who on my first day. I will remember rounds and fantas and greens and nsima and BBQ goat and shake shake and eating chips from a carrier bag for fifty kwacha. I will remember frisbee in the lake and baking hot walks to wound clinic. I will remember Dr Mkandas laugh and the stories of the premature babies and the children he had lost...I will remember Mazungu Mazunge Jambule Jambule! I will remember drinking Eclipse from a plastic bottle and the hangover that followed. I will remember elephants and hippos and the lone buffalo at Liwonde. I will remember our Hansel and Gretel lodgings on safari and I will remember Benji and Simba, the house dogs and their reactions to the mating ducks. I will remember David arriving with his brilliant laugh and somehow remembering how to play chess after all these years. I will remember pink and blue jobs and sunset cruises. The children I will remember, all those faces but especially Grace, Buddha, Chisomo and Ibu the big boss at Monkey Bay. Irene and Edwin at Namakoma and all my favourites at Chilombo, my second home: Gertrude, the twins, Tait and Bertha, Eunice and her amazing smile, Fanny and Esther – girls with attitude, Vinnie, the other big boss and of course Kevin/Calvin/whatever his name is!
Most of all I will remember that little face and the fact there there are so so so many Calvins in Malawi...
Saturday 3 October 2009
Three days left...
Yesterday I said my goodbyes to Namakoma orphanage with a sports day hosted by myself and Anna. I say sports day but we use the term pretty loosely...chaos may be more suitable. We had a bottle lid and spoon race, an egg hunt, a sack race and a three legged race that never quite made it off the ground....
All in all the children liked it and I've only been there three times since I arrived so yesterday wasn't so sad when we left. There is one little girl called Irene who has lost both parents and she definitely has some kind of learning disability or something - she doesn't really communicate is very aggressive and is well behind her peers in terms of her behaviour. She's the size of a regular three year old but seems very much like a young baby still. I don't think mental impairment has much understanding out here so she is in for a tough ride. The other kids bully her at the moment but Mark (one of the coordinators here) said the kids do have a tendancy to protect others like her as they get older. It is hard to determine what is wrong with the kids here. You notice somethings not quite right but it could be anything, learning disability, brain damage from a high fever, trauma...
I will miss the kids more than anything else. I have given Grace a bracelet to keep and I have hundreds and hundreds of photos to put up when I get back to England.
Last night we had a cultural night which basically consists of inviting the village into the grounds, having a goat roast and trying out nsima and lots and lots of dancing. The traditional dancing in Malawi is done by the men alongside a lot of drumming, the dancers are terrifying....
Just tomorrow left to collect my belongings from around the house and then my final goodbyes on Monday and Tuesday of which most of my time will be spent at Chilombo village. My hunt for Kevin begins. I will be so sad to leave this place. Four weeks is the point where you really begin to get to know individuals and start forming a relationship, if I were to come back, without a doubt I'd be here for two or three months. I will always wonder what I could have learnt about the kids I've just started to form a bond with if I had more time and what more I could have done for them...
Tionana...
All in all the children liked it and I've only been there three times since I arrived so yesterday wasn't so sad when we left. There is one little girl called Irene who has lost both parents and she definitely has some kind of learning disability or something - she doesn't really communicate is very aggressive and is well behind her peers in terms of her behaviour. She's the size of a regular three year old but seems very much like a young baby still. I don't think mental impairment has much understanding out here so she is in for a tough ride. The other kids bully her at the moment but Mark (one of the coordinators here) said the kids do have a tendancy to protect others like her as they get older. It is hard to determine what is wrong with the kids here. You notice somethings not quite right but it could be anything, learning disability, brain damage from a high fever, trauma...
I will miss the kids more than anything else. I have given Grace a bracelet to keep and I have hundreds and hundreds of photos to put up when I get back to England.
Last night we had a cultural night which basically consists of inviting the village into the grounds, having a goat roast and trying out nsima and lots and lots of dancing. The traditional dancing in Malawi is done by the men alongside a lot of drumming, the dancers are terrifying....
Just tomorrow left to collect my belongings from around the house and then my final goodbyes on Monday and Tuesday of which most of my time will be spent at Chilombo village. My hunt for Kevin begins. I will be so sad to leave this place. Four weeks is the point where you really begin to get to know individuals and start forming a relationship, if I were to come back, without a doubt I'd be here for two or three months. I will always wonder what I could have learnt about the kids I've just started to form a bond with if I had more time and what more I could have done for them...
Tionana...
Thursday 1 October 2009
Monkey Bay Hospital.
Today I was working at Monkey Bay Hospital, we are limited by what we can do whether we are qualified or not. So basically it means doing blood pressures with broken stethescopes, weighing people on broken scales and taking temperatures with faulty thermometers...
The wards were not actually as busy as normal today and I spent my time in maternity and paediatrics...it is incredible what the women here do and I don't know how the patients that survive actually do so. Put it this way, I wont be moaning about the NHS ever again.
The women come in to give birth in huge numbers, they give birth in a small room....together, there are two beds so if more than two are in labour they are on the floor. They give birth without drugs, usually without supervision and without making a sound. It is the most undignified thing I have ever seen but they never ever complain.
The kids don't complain in the childrens ward, they just sleep and lie there very still no matter how bad they feel. There were babies admitted with severe dehydration yet weren't attached to any fluids. Those lucky enough to be on drips were empty anyway.
There is a new maternity wing being built so they are hoping to encourage the fathers to be with their wives during labour and birth. This is not common currently and I did not see a single pregnant woman with a man and trust me there were hundreds, most of them as young as fifteen and certainly not on their first child. It is a million miles from what we know. But I don't think there is any way of changing it. The staff at the hospital weren't horrible, I don't think it is possible for a Malawian to BE horrible but they didn't seem to happy about us being there. Maybe it is a bit patronising of the Mazungus to think we know better than them when they have leaved and breathed this this life for so long.
Luckily I survived the morning without a death, they had lost a baby shortly before we began I think, it is harder for the volunteers with vast medical knowledge because they are watching people die who could be treated very easily in the West. More upsetting to see is that there are people there quite literally just waiting to die...there is nothing more that can be done with them, not here in Malawi anyway.
On the other hand at least there are people here trying, a poorly equipped hospital is better than no hospital at all...
This afternoon I was teaching a HBC class in Namakoma village, this is what we call Home Based Care. People are selected from each village to come to classes and they learn basic first aid and biology etc and they can then learn about illness and disease and how they can treat it. So few people can actually reach a hospital that by giving someone within the village some medical knowledge, the villagers stand a much better chance of surviving whatever they come down with.
Yesterday I managed to see Grace, she was back at school and although a little subdued she was feeling better. I'm not sure if she had malaria as they tend to just label any illness as malaria over here but none the less I am relieved she returned. I am dreading the day a child does not come back...Kevin has been absent from Chilombo orphanage for two days now...
Tionana...
The wards were not actually as busy as normal today and I spent my time in maternity and paediatrics...it is incredible what the women here do and I don't know how the patients that survive actually do so. Put it this way, I wont be moaning about the NHS ever again.
The women come in to give birth in huge numbers, they give birth in a small room....together, there are two beds so if more than two are in labour they are on the floor. They give birth without drugs, usually without supervision and without making a sound. It is the most undignified thing I have ever seen but they never ever complain.
The kids don't complain in the childrens ward, they just sleep and lie there very still no matter how bad they feel. There were babies admitted with severe dehydration yet weren't attached to any fluids. Those lucky enough to be on drips were empty anyway.
There is a new maternity wing being built so they are hoping to encourage the fathers to be with their wives during labour and birth. This is not common currently and I did not see a single pregnant woman with a man and trust me there were hundreds, most of them as young as fifteen and certainly not on their first child. It is a million miles from what we know. But I don't think there is any way of changing it. The staff at the hospital weren't horrible, I don't think it is possible for a Malawian to BE horrible but they didn't seem to happy about us being there. Maybe it is a bit patronising of the Mazungus to think we know better than them when they have leaved and breathed this this life for so long.
Luckily I survived the morning without a death, they had lost a baby shortly before we began I think, it is harder for the volunteers with vast medical knowledge because they are watching people die who could be treated very easily in the West. More upsetting to see is that there are people there quite literally just waiting to die...there is nothing more that can be done with them, not here in Malawi anyway.
On the other hand at least there are people here trying, a poorly equipped hospital is better than no hospital at all...
This afternoon I was teaching a HBC class in Namakoma village, this is what we call Home Based Care. People are selected from each village to come to classes and they learn basic first aid and biology etc and they can then learn about illness and disease and how they can treat it. So few people can actually reach a hospital that by giving someone within the village some medical knowledge, the villagers stand a much better chance of surviving whatever they come down with.
Yesterday I managed to see Grace, she was back at school and although a little subdued she was feeling better. I'm not sure if she had malaria as they tend to just label any illness as malaria over here but none the less I am relieved she returned. I am dreading the day a child does not come back...Kevin has been absent from Chilombo orphanage for two days now...
Tionana...
Tuesday 29 September 2009
Hardest day...
Today has definitely been my hardest so far. This morning I was back at Monkey Bay orphanage and happily awaiting the arrival of the children when Wyson mentioned that Grace had been taken to hospital with malaria. He was so blase about it I thought he was just messing around but he did pop over to her house and came back saying she was feeling better and may be back at school tomorrow. I am going there again tomorrow for sports day with Anna so if she doesn't show I will go round and see her aunt and see if she really is ok.
Yesterday I was back at Chilombo orphanage and I noticed a toddler called Kevin sitting very quietly and looking very sad. I'm sure he has been there the other times I've taught there but I've not paid him any attention before because some of the smaller ones are genuinely a bit scared of us. I couldn't help but notice that there was a different degree of sadness to this one so I sat close to him and held his hand for a while. Gradually his grip got tighter and tighter and very slowly he started leaning into me and was eventually just draped across my lap. He didn't make any noise at all and I don't think he ever has done apart from to cry. His eyes are permanently fixed on the ground...
I asked the teacher, Esnart why he was so sad and she said because he had no parents and lived with an old man, she also said he is sick - his belly is very swollen so clearly very malnourished. All the children are malnourished, some more than others but this one looks particularly bad and the other bad cases are certainly not as subdued. He looks completely traumatised and I suppose if he has lost both his parents he may well be. Over here, living with an old man is not good for young children, he is clearly desperately starved of affection and it was heartbreaking when I had to leave, he was hysterical, tried to follow me and it took two people to pull him away from me.
So today I was back with Esnart giving her my usual Tuesday afternoon English lesson and I tend to try and have just a general conversation with her at first because it gives me a better idea of how her spoken English is. I asked about Kevin and she told me a bit about him but said that his mum had died, his dad was away or had been arrested and that he actually had malaria as well. Two in one day.
She then took me to his house. She checked the old man was not there first and I'm not entirely sure why which worries me because I am overcome with a need to go back and find out more about this little boy. There were young adults milling around the house and I think, but am not sure, that the girls look after Kevin during the day while the old man is out farming. More and more people came to have a nose at the visiting Mazungu and they were all laughing because it is well known that Kevin is very sad, they said he has NEVER smiled...
Inevitably I had to leave and he cried and cried and cried, no one even picked him up when I left - this isn't really a comforting culture and the older kids, even the five year olds are unbelievably tough.
I told Felicity, one of the coordinators here about him and she is hopefully going to get me back there to find out more about him. I asked if he'd ever been to hospital or had medicine and I got a lot of head shaking in return. So I hope to see him at least twice before I come back home and see what can be done, his situation needs drastic improvement but sadly, so does the situation of most people here...I literally cannot describe how sad he looks, normally we can coax a smile out of the young ones who are just scared but this one - nothing, I wish I'd realised he wasn't just scared and actually very sick sooner so I could have done something. I feel awful even when I do see him because I just add to the trauma he seems to be going through when it is time to leave. I did not think it physically possible for a child to look so sad...
Tomorrow I will check up on Grace and in the afternoon try and get cover for the wound clinic so I can head back to Chilombo, ideally with a translator in tow so something can be done for Kevin. My heart will actually break when I leave him.
One week left in Malawi.
Tionana.....
Yesterday I was back at Chilombo orphanage and I noticed a toddler called Kevin sitting very quietly and looking very sad. I'm sure he has been there the other times I've taught there but I've not paid him any attention before because some of the smaller ones are genuinely a bit scared of us. I couldn't help but notice that there was a different degree of sadness to this one so I sat close to him and held his hand for a while. Gradually his grip got tighter and tighter and very slowly he started leaning into me and was eventually just draped across my lap. He didn't make any noise at all and I don't think he ever has done apart from to cry. His eyes are permanently fixed on the ground...
I asked the teacher, Esnart why he was so sad and she said because he had no parents and lived with an old man, she also said he is sick - his belly is very swollen so clearly very malnourished. All the children are malnourished, some more than others but this one looks particularly bad and the other bad cases are certainly not as subdued. He looks completely traumatised and I suppose if he has lost both his parents he may well be. Over here, living with an old man is not good for young children, he is clearly desperately starved of affection and it was heartbreaking when I had to leave, he was hysterical, tried to follow me and it took two people to pull him away from me.
So today I was back with Esnart giving her my usual Tuesday afternoon English lesson and I tend to try and have just a general conversation with her at first because it gives me a better idea of how her spoken English is. I asked about Kevin and she told me a bit about him but said that his mum had died, his dad was away or had been arrested and that he actually had malaria as well. Two in one day.
She then took me to his house. She checked the old man was not there first and I'm not entirely sure why which worries me because I am overcome with a need to go back and find out more about this little boy. There were young adults milling around the house and I think, but am not sure, that the girls look after Kevin during the day while the old man is out farming. More and more people came to have a nose at the visiting Mazungu and they were all laughing because it is well known that Kevin is very sad, they said he has NEVER smiled...
Inevitably I had to leave and he cried and cried and cried, no one even picked him up when I left - this isn't really a comforting culture and the older kids, even the five year olds are unbelievably tough.
I told Felicity, one of the coordinators here about him and she is hopefully going to get me back there to find out more about him. I asked if he'd ever been to hospital or had medicine and I got a lot of head shaking in return. So I hope to see him at least twice before I come back home and see what can be done, his situation needs drastic improvement but sadly, so does the situation of most people here...I literally cannot describe how sad he looks, normally we can coax a smile out of the young ones who are just scared but this one - nothing, I wish I'd realised he wasn't just scared and actually very sick sooner so I could have done something. I feel awful even when I do see him because I just add to the trauma he seems to be going through when it is time to leave. I did not think it physically possible for a child to look so sad...
Tomorrow I will check up on Grace and in the afternoon try and get cover for the wound clinic so I can head back to Chilombo, ideally with a translator in tow so something can be done for Kevin. My heart will actually break when I leave him.
One week left in Malawi.
Tionana.....
Thursday 24 September 2009
Third week down...
I have done so much since I last wrote that I'm not sure where to begin and pretty sure I will forget a lot of things. I'll start with today and work back, that's the only plan I have!
So today I was on the malaria project again and we were handing out nets in Namakoma village which means walking round the houses and treating their nets and waiting for them to dry before they can be hung up in the houses. It was absolutely exhausting but worthwhile all the same.
This afternoon I was going to my first Home-based care project but it was cancelled and they were concentrating on the beginning of a new HIV group in Namgoma which was basically lots of singing and dancing and some drama and being swarmed by kids which was great fun. The HIV groups gives somewhere for victims to learn about their condition and feel safe about being open about it - that is a pretty brave thing to be able to do over here and I think we rarely get men attending as they do not want to be known as carriers.
Yesterday I had another sports day at Monkey Bay Orphanage which again consisted of getting all the orphans fed and then well...throwing them in the lake, it's their favourite! It was yesterday that I noticed one of my favourite little girls, Grace, had not turned up and I mentioned this to Wyson, their teacher. He said she lived next door so he took me there and I met her aunt, she was running late because Grace was having a bath - I learnt then that as I feared she had lost both parents.
It was a real blow to have it confirmed but I should have been prepared for it really. This week has been the toughest emotionally because I am getting to know people better. I do not want to know if Taiti, another favourite at Chilombo Orphanage has lost one or two parents but I expect I will be told either way eventually.
I found today's HIV group really overwhelming as well, it was the first time I properly had to compose myself to stop from crying but I'm not really sure what started it. I had so many children around me and one looked very sad that we were leaving and then I had to just take myself away fairly quickly.
I am hoping to buy some toys when I leave for Chilombo orphanage as they really have nothing there and some of the kids are just toddlers and do not always understand fully the english we are teaching the older ones, I think they would like to play with toys, they get easily distracted when we try and do a 45 minute lesson with them.
We have two new people, as of Monday, David who is a paramedic and is great fun and Laura who is on her gap year and wanting to study medicine. There wont be any more new people until the Monday before I leave so I will only meet them briefly and I am very sad to have to say goodbye to Maxi this Monday.
I am so excited to be coming home in just over a week but I am starting to become very attached to certain things and people so it will also be a sad occasion. The mice next to me are running riot in the office and I am starting to think they will go for my toes if I don't go inside soon.
I miss and love you all, I have so much more I could write again...but where to start, this has been an all together much more heartbreaking and HARDER experience than I could ever have imagined...tionana...x
So today I was on the malaria project again and we were handing out nets in Namakoma village which means walking round the houses and treating their nets and waiting for them to dry before they can be hung up in the houses. It was absolutely exhausting but worthwhile all the same.
This afternoon I was going to my first Home-based care project but it was cancelled and they were concentrating on the beginning of a new HIV group in Namgoma which was basically lots of singing and dancing and some drama and being swarmed by kids which was great fun. The HIV groups gives somewhere for victims to learn about their condition and feel safe about being open about it - that is a pretty brave thing to be able to do over here and I think we rarely get men attending as they do not want to be known as carriers.
Yesterday I had another sports day at Monkey Bay Orphanage which again consisted of getting all the orphans fed and then well...throwing them in the lake, it's their favourite! It was yesterday that I noticed one of my favourite little girls, Grace, had not turned up and I mentioned this to Wyson, their teacher. He said she lived next door so he took me there and I met her aunt, she was running late because Grace was having a bath - I learnt then that as I feared she had lost both parents.
It was a real blow to have it confirmed but I should have been prepared for it really. This week has been the toughest emotionally because I am getting to know people better. I do not want to know if Taiti, another favourite at Chilombo Orphanage has lost one or two parents but I expect I will be told either way eventually.
I found today's HIV group really overwhelming as well, it was the first time I properly had to compose myself to stop from crying but I'm not really sure what started it. I had so many children around me and one looked very sad that we were leaving and then I had to just take myself away fairly quickly.
I am hoping to buy some toys when I leave for Chilombo orphanage as they really have nothing there and some of the kids are just toddlers and do not always understand fully the english we are teaching the older ones, I think they would like to play with toys, they get easily distracted when we try and do a 45 minute lesson with them.
We have two new people, as of Monday, David who is a paramedic and is great fun and Laura who is on her gap year and wanting to study medicine. There wont be any more new people until the Monday before I leave so I will only meet them briefly and I am very sad to have to say goodbye to Maxi this Monday.
I am so excited to be coming home in just over a week but I am starting to become very attached to certain things and people so it will also be a sad occasion. The mice next to me are running riot in the office and I am starting to think they will go for my toes if I don't go inside soon.
I miss and love you all, I have so much more I could write again...but where to start, this has been an all together much more heartbreaking and HARDER experience than I could ever have imagined...tionana...x
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